UPDATE: HJR-3 HEARING LIVESTREAM HERE STARTING 10:00 AM EASTERN TIME
Update: Hundreds of marriage equality advocates have PACKED the Indiana Statehouse.
FINAL UPDATE FOR TODAY: Hearing has ended, no vote today. I surmise it has something to do with the fact they don't want to deal with voting pro-hate in a room where they have to look into the faces of so many people who want this awful amendment to die in committee. Will be watching VERY closely, and as soon as we at Indy Feminists know when the vote will be, we will pass the word on to you. Please click here to like us on Facebook :)
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So, we're within 2 hours of the Indiana House Judicial Committee's hearing and vote on House Joint Resolution 3, which was formerly known as House Joint Resolution 6. Apparently the catchy "Nix 6" slogan was just too intimidating for the GOP of Indiana? But then we're used to them dodging rules, changing rules, changing bill names, and generally just trying as much as they can to operate under cover of obfuscation.
Because they know that Indiana is not as red as our reputation would claim.
Many of us know that using religion as a cudgel isn't a Hoosier value. It may have worked in the past, but the beautiful thing about evolving in your faith is that... well, you evolve. No fewer than 17 religious denominations in Indiana affirm marriage equality. Not only does HJR-3 harm families, it is actually a harmful bill for the religious freedom of all these groups.
Indiana has a lot of faithful people, and the "silent majority" among Christians who believe God hates same sex couples and wants to curtail their natural rights, is not truly a majority. Nor are they silent. We've heard their PR campaigns loud and clear to "protect traditional marriage" etc, loud and clear, and though they don't like to acknowledge it because it's bad for PR, they know what this is really about. It's about enforcing a second-class citizen status for anyone who isn't like them.
Not even to get started on the many folks in the state who follow Buddhism, Hinduism, Islam, another faith, or no faith at all. We ignore these voices to our own detriment.
The standard lines used by pro marriage equality advocates who want a swift end to HJR-3 use arguments about business development in the state, the backward image it would project on us, and the redundancy of seeking a constitutional amendment when same-sex marriage is already illegal here! Nothing yet on the repeal of our existing law, but I trust that day will come. I mean, even Utah has seen over a thousand same-sex marriages at this point. If that isn't truth that anything is possible and that our day is coming...
Which is exactly what scares the haters. They know our day is coming. Somewhere down, I'm sure most of them know they're on the losing side of history, that our children and grandchildren will see them with the same shock as we see the way our grandparents' generation treated... well, not just the Black community, but that is the most prominent example.
Our nation, and definitely our state, has a checkered past in terms of civil rights and basic human decency. We've got a chance today to stand up for better. We absolutely deserve better.
The vote is at 10:00 a.m. Eastern today. It's almost 8:30 right now. I'm hearing from the Indy Feminists Twitter account that the Statehouse is already filling. If you can, please go be there. People are coming in from all over the state. If you can't be there, wherever you are in the country, you can follow on Twitter via the hashtags #hjr3 and #inlegis. Freedom Indiana, Indy Feminists, and several other folks will be livetweeting everything.
Fellow Hoosiers, you can still click here to send your congresspeople a letter opposing the resolution. If you can't be at the statehouse today or the rally at the Artsgarden at 6pm tonight, you can still send letters, tweet #inlegis and @ingop, and most importantly, talk about it. Choose red today if you're still picking out your work clothes. That's the color anti-HJR3 activists are wearing at the Statehouse.
If you're outside of the state, we appreciate your love and support as well! You don't need to be a Hoosier to go over to Facebook and "like" Indy Feminists, Nix 6, and Freedom Indiana.
EDIT: I'll be updating the Resources link below as I get more over the course of today. I'm also compiling a list of Twitter users who are at the Statehouse. You can follow me on Twitter at @circlecitystyle.
A few more resources:
Sheila Kennedy: "Clarifying" HJR-3
Indiana Forefront: Chickens Pecking Over HJR-3
Political analyst Doug Masson's analysis of the House Resolution's name change.
Indy Star article on today's hearing
Shakesville's always-good analysis of what's at stake in today's vote.
Shakesville: Indiana's Republican-controlled legislator isn't listening to Hoosiers on marriage equality
Michigan City News-Dispatch: Gay marriage ban a "waste of time" distraction from Hoosiers' real problems
Howey Politics: House GOP seeks "Clarification" to marriage amendment
Monday, January 13, 2014
Monday, December 30, 2013
Day 19: No Limits
I'm going to be looking out for opportunities to take care of Think Kit's prompt for day 18, but I'm feeling a bit under the weather today, so mostly today is going to be a lot of self-care and tea drinking. Onward to day 19!
If money, time or other commitments were no obstacle in 2013, what would you do?
I'd do all the traveling I've been putting off for years because I was struggling financially. I'd go to festivals. I'd go to Cedar Point. I really want to see several places in Japan, and India, and I want to see the west coast, because the farthest west I've been is Abilene, Texas. I've never been outside the US, except for Niagara Falls, Canada, when I was 3. It doesn't count if you don't even remember it. I'd go to a lot more concerts. I'd finally take that trip backpacking through Europe like I used to talk about in my late teens, back when it didn't feel like a pipe dream.
And I'd take my boyfriend with me. Granted, he got some traveling out of the way, years ago, and I've seen the photos. It looks like it was a lot of fun.
Honestly, though, these days, anything that amounts to spending time with him would do. I would spend so much more time with him. I'm probably a little overly emotional right now, because my body is spazzing out today and it feels awful, but I think about little things he does for me, like last night when I knew I was getting sick, so I didn't want to be out in the cold, and he scraped my car windows so I didn't have to. I'd say I don't know what I'd do without him, but I do without all the time, because I barely ever see him anymore. And then he goes and gives me things like this light-up DJ Pon-3 figurine, because he understands me:
But I don't know how much longer we're going to be able to do this thing. And it really isn't anyone's fault. It's just that there's only so long you can handle not even being able to do the most basic of relationship things because you just live too far away and you don't have important resources like time. So often I need cuddles and he just can't be there. So the thought of having the time and resources to just go to some beautiful place, even if just for a day or two, and just be with him. Yeah, if I could clear out all the obstacles, that is the first thing I would do.
I need tea and cuddles right now, and I've been tired for months of settling for just the tea.
If money, time or other commitments were no obstacle in 2013, what would you do?
I'd do all the traveling I've been putting off for years because I was struggling financially. I'd go to festivals. I'd go to Cedar Point. I really want to see several places in Japan, and India, and I want to see the west coast, because the farthest west I've been is Abilene, Texas. I've never been outside the US, except for Niagara Falls, Canada, when I was 3. It doesn't count if you don't even remember it. I'd go to a lot more concerts. I'd finally take that trip backpacking through Europe like I used to talk about in my late teens, back when it didn't feel like a pipe dream.
And I'd take my boyfriend with me. Granted, he got some traveling out of the way, years ago, and I've seen the photos. It looks like it was a lot of fun.
Honestly, though, these days, anything that amounts to spending time with him would do. I would spend so much more time with him. I'm probably a little overly emotional right now, because my body is spazzing out today and it feels awful, but I think about little things he does for me, like last night when I knew I was getting sick, so I didn't want to be out in the cold, and he scraped my car windows so I didn't have to. I'd say I don't know what I'd do without him, but I do without all the time, because I barely ever see him anymore. And then he goes and gives me things like this light-up DJ Pon-3 figurine, because he understands me:
But I don't know how much longer we're going to be able to do this thing. And it really isn't anyone's fault. It's just that there's only so long you can handle not even being able to do the most basic of relationship things because you just live too far away and you don't have important resources like time. So often I need cuddles and he just can't be there. So the thought of having the time and resources to just go to some beautiful place, even if just for a day or two, and just be with him. Yeah, if I could clear out all the obstacles, that is the first thing I would do.
I need tea and cuddles right now, and I've been tired for months of settling for just the tea.
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Day 17 and 24: Stand-out friends are everything sometimes.
These two prompts go together quite well for my purposes, so I'm knocking out two at once today.
Day 17: What stands out? Share a moment that stands out. Is it moving? Awkward? Infuriating? Ecstatic? Who was with you? Where were you?
Day 24: What are you grateful for this year?
I was talking a few weeks ago with one of my besties. We dated years ago, and there have been a lot of weird moments, some fights, a couple times we dated again for like 5 minutes, but generally, just a lot of being there for a hug and an encouraging word for each other when, often, it felt like nobody else was. It's been a very transition-full and rough year in a lot of ways for both of us, and he said something on that day, some weeks ago, which made me sad. Something I was unable to relate to. He said he felt like I'm the only friend he has who he can really talk to. The only one who really gives a damn as opposed to someone it's just convenient to hang out with sometimes.
I could not give him a hug big enough. I mean, I'm very glad to be there and be a person who anyone feels like they can trust to care for them. Sometimes I ask a lot of my friends, but in general, I just disclose my problems and my emotional needs to the ones I feel like I can trust with that vulnerability. They tend to come through in radical ways.
There's Jessica. My old roommate from the last time I lived in Indy. We kind of rescued each other. She took care of me on nights when I was so depressed and/or weepy-drunk that I couldn't even make it to my room. She put me on the couch and gave me water and just let me cry, and she was one of the people who talked me into seeking treatment for my depression and anxiety. She told me I wasn't just being weak, and that it was going to be OK.
I remember she used to date the most messed-up guys, and I was honest to her about them even when it made her angry. I gave her such an earful the time I found out that the reason her car was in the shop was because she drove home drunk and damaged her car in the process, and to the best I know, she never drove drunk again. I told her she could call me any time, even at 4 a.m., if she needed a ride, and I kept that promise. She's gotten into AA pretty hardcore these days. I forget exactly how long she's been sober at this point, but it's at least 2 years if I remember right.
There's Tyrone. I met him at a student journalists' conference on sexual health and STD prevention when we were in college. Even though he lives all the way in Wisconsin, Ty made me keep him updated on my job search when I was working one of the many jobs I've had that felt like an abusive lover, and I had to get out. Then my laptop stopped working. I was frantic. My job was killing me, and it was only $9 an hour, and I was barely covering my expenses as it was. He spent a little over $400 to get me a new netbook so I could keep looking. Privileged people can look down upon the working poor for having things like cell phones and computers, but in this day, access to a computer with internet access is not a luxury if you want to get a job. And not everyone has a car or a library close enough to walk to, or perhaps they work hours that make it hard to get to the library while it's open.
There's Jenny. Jenny is my oldest friend. She's known me since we were 5, and she could tell you more embarrassing stories about me than anyone. I was a weird kid. I'm a weird adult, too. And she's still here. She lives in my home town of Petersburg, so I don't get to see her nearly enough, but I've never known her to not answer her phone. She owns her own catering business, and even on her busiest days, she doesn't neglect me if I need a friend. I'd drop everything and run to spend time with her if I heard she was in Indianapolis right now.
There's Augie. He's in a class of his own, my favorite punk douchebag libertarian troll. When I met him, we were both dressed kind of like BDSM freaks because it was Rocky Horror Picture Show. He's pretty much the only person who has ever seen just how crazy I can get, and who actually stayed around after seeing it. We've pretty much literally kept each other alive more times in the last year than I care to get into. He'd also lived more and seen more crazy crap by the age of 16 than I probably ever will. He seems to frequently think that he's a worthless and awful person, but I mean, he saves lives for a living. And even if he didn't do something special like that, he'd be worth a lot to me, at least.
There are Gretchen and Caroline, local DJ's in the Indianapolis goth community. It's a small scene, but a dedicated one, and Indy is a good location because we can easily plan road trips to St. Louis, Chicago, Dayton, Louisville, Columbus, and such if there is a good show going on there. Caroline has taken care of weepy-drunk-me in bars more times than I care to think about, and they still keep on hanging out with me and inviting me to join in their adventures. I'm sure they're relieved that I'm better and that they won't need to babysit my pitiful crying butt anymore. But they never left me hanging, and they know I'd do the same for them in a heartbeat.
And, finally, there's the first guy I mentioned. Mike. I could probably cuddle and watch crap sci-fi original movies with him for days. He kept me from being homeless in 2008, the last time I moved to Indy. I stayed on his couch for months, and it was weird in some ways, as it's bound to be, when your ex brings home a girlfriend and you know exactly what you're missing, but when I remember those days now, I wouldn't trade a day of it. There's nothing funnier than walking in the door after work to see Mike and several other guys re-enacting Boondock Saints scenes with whiskey and Airsoft pellet guns.
My friends are probably all just as certifiably insane as I am. They're definitely a stand-out of 2013, as they have been every year before that. And I'm terribly grateful for all of them.
Day 17: What stands out? Share a moment that stands out. Is it moving? Awkward? Infuriating? Ecstatic? Who was with you? Where were you?
Day 24: What are you grateful for this year?
I was talking a few weeks ago with one of my besties. We dated years ago, and there have been a lot of weird moments, some fights, a couple times we dated again for like 5 minutes, but generally, just a lot of being there for a hug and an encouraging word for each other when, often, it felt like nobody else was. It's been a very transition-full and rough year in a lot of ways for both of us, and he said something on that day, some weeks ago, which made me sad. Something I was unable to relate to. He said he felt like I'm the only friend he has who he can really talk to. The only one who really gives a damn as opposed to someone it's just convenient to hang out with sometimes.
I could not give him a hug big enough. I mean, I'm very glad to be there and be a person who anyone feels like they can trust to care for them. Sometimes I ask a lot of my friends, but in general, I just disclose my problems and my emotional needs to the ones I feel like I can trust with that vulnerability. They tend to come through in radical ways.
There's Jessica. My old roommate from the last time I lived in Indy. We kind of rescued each other. She took care of me on nights when I was so depressed and/or weepy-drunk that I couldn't even make it to my room. She put me on the couch and gave me water and just let me cry, and she was one of the people who talked me into seeking treatment for my depression and anxiety. She told me I wasn't just being weak, and that it was going to be OK.
I remember she used to date the most messed-up guys, and I was honest to her about them even when it made her angry. I gave her such an earful the time I found out that the reason her car was in the shop was because she drove home drunk and damaged her car in the process, and to the best I know, she never drove drunk again. I told her she could call me any time, even at 4 a.m., if she needed a ride, and I kept that promise. She's gotten into AA pretty hardcore these days. I forget exactly how long she's been sober at this point, but it's at least 2 years if I remember right.
There's Tyrone. I met him at a student journalists' conference on sexual health and STD prevention when we were in college. Even though he lives all the way in Wisconsin, Ty made me keep him updated on my job search when I was working one of the many jobs I've had that felt like an abusive lover, and I had to get out. Then my laptop stopped working. I was frantic. My job was killing me, and it was only $9 an hour, and I was barely covering my expenses as it was. He spent a little over $400 to get me a new netbook so I could keep looking. Privileged people can look down upon the working poor for having things like cell phones and computers, but in this day, access to a computer with internet access is not a luxury if you want to get a job. And not everyone has a car or a library close enough to walk to, or perhaps they work hours that make it hard to get to the library while it's open.
There's Jenny. Jenny is my oldest friend. She's known me since we were 5, and she could tell you more embarrassing stories about me than anyone. I was a weird kid. I'm a weird adult, too. And she's still here. She lives in my home town of Petersburg, so I don't get to see her nearly enough, but I've never known her to not answer her phone. She owns her own catering business, and even on her busiest days, she doesn't neglect me if I need a friend. I'd drop everything and run to spend time with her if I heard she was in Indianapolis right now.
There's Augie. He's in a class of his own, my favorite punk douchebag libertarian troll. When I met him, we were both dressed kind of like BDSM freaks because it was Rocky Horror Picture Show. He's pretty much the only person who has ever seen just how crazy I can get, and who actually stayed around after seeing it. We've pretty much literally kept each other alive more times in the last year than I care to get into. He'd also lived more and seen more crazy crap by the age of 16 than I probably ever will. He seems to frequently think that he's a worthless and awful person, but I mean, he saves lives for a living. And even if he didn't do something special like that, he'd be worth a lot to me, at least.
There are Gretchen and Caroline, local DJ's in the Indianapolis goth community. It's a small scene, but a dedicated one, and Indy is a good location because we can easily plan road trips to St. Louis, Chicago, Dayton, Louisville, Columbus, and such if there is a good show going on there. Caroline has taken care of weepy-drunk-me in bars more times than I care to think about, and they still keep on hanging out with me and inviting me to join in their adventures. I'm sure they're relieved that I'm better and that they won't need to babysit my pitiful crying butt anymore. But they never left me hanging, and they know I'd do the same for them in a heartbeat.
And, finally, there's the first guy I mentioned. Mike. I could probably cuddle and watch crap sci-fi original movies with him for days. He kept me from being homeless in 2008, the last time I moved to Indy. I stayed on his couch for months, and it was weird in some ways, as it's bound to be, when your ex brings home a girlfriend and you know exactly what you're missing, but when I remember those days now, I wouldn't trade a day of it. There's nothing funnier than walking in the door after work to see Mike and several other guys re-enacting Boondock Saints scenes with whiskey and Airsoft pellet guns.
My friends are probably all just as certifiably insane as I am. They're definitely a stand-out of 2013, as they have been every year before that. And I'm terribly grateful for all of them.
Day 26: What the hell am I doing here?
Okay, I skipped forward several days on the catch-up, because I was scared of the "draw a self portrait" prompt and so I wanted to get out of the way.
I've produced one decent drawing, ever, and it's not this one. In 7th grade, I had my one and only entry in the school art show. I think it was a still life, but I don't remember. It took a lot of effort, and it didn't win anything.
Whatever.
Here's the ThinkKit prompt for December 26: Draw a self portrait. Get as abstract or as real as you like.
All I had was a pen and a notebook. I'd probably have put in a rainbow or something if I'd had colors. Apparently my inner self is a freaky bobble-head. Also, I don't know if it helps with anything, but I had "Creep" by Radiohead stuck in my head the whole time.
I've produced one decent drawing, ever, and it's not this one. In 7th grade, I had my one and only entry in the school art show. I think it was a still life, but I don't remember. It took a lot of effort, and it didn't win anything.
Whatever.
Here's the ThinkKit prompt for December 26: Draw a self portrait. Get as abstract or as real as you like.
All I had was a pen and a notebook. I'd probably have put in a rainbow or something if I'd had colors. Apparently my inner self is a freaky bobble-head. Also, I don't know if it helps with anything, but I had "Creep" by Radiohead stuck in my head the whole time.
Friday, December 27, 2013
Day 16: Possibly Positive Addictions
The Think Kit prompt for December 16 was:
What did you discover this year?
I mentioned yesterday (in a post that was excessively hard to write and took much burning of lavender incense and sage, and a very long hot bath to recover from) that I get addicted to things easily. It sort of sucks.
So why I ever decided to try Pinterest is beyond me. My friends warned me. "It's a black hole! It's worse than TV Tropes!" I had actually gotten the account at least a year before I actually started using it, then someone's post on Facebook reminded me that the thing exists.
So. I discovered Pinterest this year. Yep, it's quite addicting. But I also discovered the LeechBlock add-on for Firefox, so it hasn't monstrously killed my productivity.
And I know it's gotten some flak for being materialistic and for creating unrealistic expectations for would-be crafters everywhere, but it's also a really worthwhile tool for someone like me: an aspiring minimalist who also kind of sucks at minimalism because I tend to therapy shop a lot. On Pinterest, I can hoard all the stuff I want. I can organize meticulously, or be kind of willy-nilly about it. I can plan outfits and collect gift ideas. I can sort of own that awesome thing I saw without spending money or cluttering up my tiny apartment with junk.
So, if you want to hang out and share some pins, I'll be right over here.
What did you discover this year?
I mentioned yesterday (in a post that was excessively hard to write and took much burning of lavender incense and sage, and a very long hot bath to recover from) that I get addicted to things easily. It sort of sucks.
So why I ever decided to try Pinterest is beyond me. My friends warned me. "It's a black hole! It's worse than TV Tropes!" I had actually gotten the account at least a year before I actually started using it, then someone's post on Facebook reminded me that the thing exists.
So. I discovered Pinterest this year. Yep, it's quite addicting. But I also discovered the LeechBlock add-on for Firefox, so it hasn't monstrously killed my productivity.
And I know it's gotten some flak for being materialistic and for creating unrealistic expectations for would-be crafters everywhere, but it's also a really worthwhile tool for someone like me: an aspiring minimalist who also kind of sucks at minimalism because I tend to therapy shop a lot. On Pinterest, I can hoard all the stuff I want. I can organize meticulously, or be kind of willy-nilly about it. I can plan outfits and collect gift ideas. I can sort of own that awesome thing I saw without spending money or cluttering up my tiny apartment with junk.
So, if you want to hang out and share some pins, I'll be right over here.
Day 15: I wrote a crappy haiku!
The Think Kit prompt for December 15 was:
Handwrite a _______. A tweet. A letter to a friend. A list. A note to someone you've never met. Your signature font. What's it look like? Take a picture of it!
Okay, folks. You asked for it:
Handwrite a _______. A tweet. A letter to a friend. A list. A note to someone you've never met. Your signature font. What's it look like? Take a picture of it!
Okay, folks. You asked for it:
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Day 14: Sometimes life lessons feel like year-long kicks to the stomach.
Ooooof. This prompt gave me the feelings.
The Think Kit prompt for December 14 (I'm really playing catch-up here, but I will get through all these if it takes me until February!) was: "Did you get any good advice or learn a valuable lesson this year? What was it?"
Well, I learned a lot of things, and the process sucked. On the upside, I finally figured out how to live somewhat contently on my own without going (literally) insane.
I got my major depressive disorder under control, finally, and I literally feel more like me than I have felt in at least ten years. The downside is that all the literature says this form of depression has a really high risk for relapse. And I came here from what was easily the worst episode I've ever had. Six months of barely being functional, of knowing things were bad but not realizing I was being full-on crazy, because you don't know you're being crazy while it's happening. You just find lucidity, months later, and then you're appalled at all the crap you did. When you thought you were recovering, but you weren't. I was totally, how-the-hell-am-I-still-alive, should-have-been-hospitalized-for-a-while crazy.
I don't want to relapse. My lows are finally normal, the in-betweens aren't crushing lows in disguise, and I have a lot of truly happy moments for the first time in a long time, so I am keeping up with maintenance counseling appointments, exercising, eating better, and all those good things. And keeping an eagle eye out for any small signs of relapse. I was not me for so long. I guess I kind of was, because the illness is an aspect of me, but I am so appalled by it that it hurts to realize the best way to never go back is to never forget that the monster might only be sleeping, and I have to be ever vigilant, ready to kill it before it tries to kill me again.
After leaving my fiance, I'd probably have struck out into a bright new world of self discovery and adventure if I wasn't so damn unstable at the time. Instead, because I'm terribly insecure, the depression and anxiety were eating me up from the inside out, and I didn't know how to be alone because I hadn't been for longer than a couple of months since I was 15, I lasted all of 2 weeks before I was all over one of my best friends.
He isn't my friend anymore. I briefly mentioned it back when I thought we were still going to be. While therapy window-shopping via the internet, obviously.
I get addicted so easily. I get addicted to things, songs, activities, locations, and most of all, I get addicted to people. I can't honestly say I never tried recreational drugs for lack of curiosity. More because I know myself, I've seen people lose their entire lives to substance addiction, and I've been having a hard enough time since my adolescence just keeping the bare minimum together, thank you very much. Throw that in with the pretty-much-psychotic level of the depressive cliff I fell off in early 2013, and the weird phenomenon where the rebound guy is always harder to get over than the guy you rebounded from.
He was my drug. The meds were not even taking the edge off my illness anymore, and contact with him became the only thing that made me feel remotely alive again. I would have either never gotten physically involved with him in the first place, or cut it off immediately, if I had been lucid enough to see what was starting to happen. Then it got so bad that even he could not get a real smile out of me. Nothing could. I was to a point where I was harmful to both of us.
And then he started dating someone. It was harder to kick my addiction to him than it was to handle withdrawal from my Klonopin prescription. I had to face a lot of lies I'd set up for myself because I couldn't cope with how sick I was, in body and in mind.
He went pretty quickly from my closest confidante to not even responding because I was being nuts. I'd leave him like ten voicemails in a day because he didn't answer until I pestered him so hard he couldn't ignore it anymore. I lost my empathetic abilities completely because I couldn't hear anyone else over the screaming of my own bloodied raw heart and nerves. His school friends hated me, probably still hate me, because the addict and the monster is what they know of me. They've never seen me healthy. I'm pretty sure he hasn't ever seen me truly well, either. He just got to see functional days.
There are hours and even days at a time that are fuzzy or even blank when I try to remember them. I think I'm OK with that. But I can't even apologize for all the awful things I did or said when I was in that place if I can't remember them. Even if he, if any of them, would let me.
I still go back and forth a little between the grief stages of bargaining and acceptance. I don't need my old friend to forgive me in order to forgive myself. It would be really nice, but having dealt with people in the past who were as toxic as I have been, I understand why he can't risk opening that door back up. Angry, scared, both, I don't know, probably both. I know he truly cared about me, so he would probably be happy to see me well, but he won't see it, and that has to be OK.
The bargaining-voice chimes up, not often anymore, just probably once or twice a month. It says things like maybe if his friends could see me healthy like I am now, just once, he wouldn't have to make excuses to them for why he talks to me again, if he talked to me again. It says I must be OK because if I weren't OK, I'd be sending him twenty texts to just answer his phone and look at me because look at how OK I am now. The acceptance voice says just remember the years of good times that we did have, now that thinking about it makes me smile instead of cry, and that I'm easy to find again if he wanted to. There are other people to hug and drink tea with, and talk about fashion and airplanes and dreams with.
I learned to hopefully not let go so hard in the future. I learned that being alone for hours, days, even weeks at a time is something I can do now that the depression and the anxiety haven't tried to devour me in several months. I'm pretty confident that the person I'm dating now is in my life because I want him, not because I need him, because I have not once had an anxiety attack or contemplated suicide because my insides were burning with all the ways I hated myself and I felt like I'd die if someone wouldn't hold me until I stopped crying, or make out with me or more than that, so I could forget about the darkness for a little while.
My body learning how to process emotions other than the negative ones was interesting. The first several times I had happy emotions in 2013, crying happened because my body didn't know how else to process any strong emotion. Then I would laugh uncontrollably when I was upset. Everything was confused and upside down while I figured it out again. This is apparently normal when you're recovering from the crazy.
The lessons cost me a lot of other things besides just one friend, too, but those aren't the stories I'm telling today. And at least I got some lessons in exchange for the cost.
The Think Kit prompt for December 14 (I'm really playing catch-up here, but I will get through all these if it takes me until February!) was: "Did you get any good advice or learn a valuable lesson this year? What was it?"
Well, I learned a lot of things, and the process sucked. On the upside, I finally figured out how to live somewhat contently on my own without going (literally) insane.
I got my major depressive disorder under control, finally, and I literally feel more like me than I have felt in at least ten years. The downside is that all the literature says this form of depression has a really high risk for relapse. And I came here from what was easily the worst episode I've ever had. Six months of barely being functional, of knowing things were bad but not realizing I was being full-on crazy, because you don't know you're being crazy while it's happening. You just find lucidity, months later, and then you're appalled at all the crap you did. When you thought you were recovering, but you weren't. I was totally, how-the-hell-am-I-still-alive, should-have-been-hospitalized-for-a-while crazy.
I don't want to relapse. My lows are finally normal, the in-betweens aren't crushing lows in disguise, and I have a lot of truly happy moments for the first time in a long time, so I am keeping up with maintenance counseling appointments, exercising, eating better, and all those good things. And keeping an eagle eye out for any small signs of relapse. I was not me for so long. I guess I kind of was, because the illness is an aspect of me, but I am so appalled by it that it hurts to realize the best way to never go back is to never forget that the monster might only be sleeping, and I have to be ever vigilant, ready to kill it before it tries to kill me again.
After leaving my fiance, I'd probably have struck out into a bright new world of self discovery and adventure if I wasn't so damn unstable at the time. Instead, because I'm terribly insecure, the depression and anxiety were eating me up from the inside out, and I didn't know how to be alone because I hadn't been for longer than a couple of months since I was 15, I lasted all of 2 weeks before I was all over one of my best friends.
He isn't my friend anymore. I briefly mentioned it back when I thought we were still going to be. While therapy window-shopping via the internet, obviously.
I get addicted so easily. I get addicted to things, songs, activities, locations, and most of all, I get addicted to people. I can't honestly say I never tried recreational drugs for lack of curiosity. More because I know myself, I've seen people lose their entire lives to substance addiction, and I've been having a hard enough time since my adolescence just keeping the bare minimum together, thank you very much. Throw that in with the pretty-much-psychotic level of the depressive cliff I fell off in early 2013, and the weird phenomenon where the rebound guy is always harder to get over than the guy you rebounded from.
He was my drug. The meds were not even taking the edge off my illness anymore, and contact with him became the only thing that made me feel remotely alive again. I would have either never gotten physically involved with him in the first place, or cut it off immediately, if I had been lucid enough to see what was starting to happen. Then it got so bad that even he could not get a real smile out of me. Nothing could. I was to a point where I was harmful to both of us.
And then he started dating someone. It was harder to kick my addiction to him than it was to handle withdrawal from my Klonopin prescription. I had to face a lot of lies I'd set up for myself because I couldn't cope with how sick I was, in body and in mind.
He went pretty quickly from my closest confidante to not even responding because I was being nuts. I'd leave him like ten voicemails in a day because he didn't answer until I pestered him so hard he couldn't ignore it anymore. I lost my empathetic abilities completely because I couldn't hear anyone else over the screaming of my own bloodied raw heart and nerves. His school friends hated me, probably still hate me, because the addict and the monster is what they know of me. They've never seen me healthy. I'm pretty sure he hasn't ever seen me truly well, either. He just got to see functional days.
There are hours and even days at a time that are fuzzy or even blank when I try to remember them. I think I'm OK with that. But I can't even apologize for all the awful things I did or said when I was in that place if I can't remember them. Even if he, if any of them, would let me.
I still go back and forth a little between the grief stages of bargaining and acceptance. I don't need my old friend to forgive me in order to forgive myself. It would be really nice, but having dealt with people in the past who were as toxic as I have been, I understand why he can't risk opening that door back up. Angry, scared, both, I don't know, probably both. I know he truly cared about me, so he would probably be happy to see me well, but he won't see it, and that has to be OK.
The bargaining-voice chimes up, not often anymore, just probably once or twice a month. It says things like maybe if his friends could see me healthy like I am now, just once, he wouldn't have to make excuses to them for why he talks to me again, if he talked to me again. It says I must be OK because if I weren't OK, I'd be sending him twenty texts to just answer his phone and look at me because look at how OK I am now. The acceptance voice says just remember the years of good times that we did have, now that thinking about it makes me smile instead of cry, and that I'm easy to find again if he wanted to. There are other people to hug and drink tea with, and talk about fashion and airplanes and dreams with.
I learned to hopefully not let go so hard in the future. I learned that being alone for hours, days, even weeks at a time is something I can do now that the depression and the anxiety haven't tried to devour me in several months. I'm pretty confident that the person I'm dating now is in my life because I want him, not because I need him, because I have not once had an anxiety attack or contemplated suicide because my insides were burning with all the ways I hated myself and I felt like I'd die if someone wouldn't hold me until I stopped crying, or make out with me or more than that, so I could forget about the darkness for a little while.
My body learning how to process emotions other than the negative ones was interesting. The first several times I had happy emotions in 2013, crying happened because my body didn't know how else to process any strong emotion. Then I would laugh uncontrollably when I was upset. Everything was confused and upside down while I figured it out again. This is apparently normal when you're recovering from the crazy.
The lessons cost me a lot of other things besides just one friend, too, but those aren't the stories I'm telling today. And at least I got some lessons in exchange for the cost.
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